Ashes to Ashes
by Heavenly Pearl
Summary: Hino Rei feels as if she has been abandoned when her mother dies and her workaholic father leaves her with her grandfather at the Hikawa shrine.


Ashes to Ashes

My father was late again. I knew that not because I saw the clock -- reading time was a skill I had yet to master -- but because my mother had set aside the book she was reading to stare out one of our large living room windows at the driveway. It had become a familiar sight over the last few months, okaa-sama keeping vigil as she waited for otou-sama to come home, and I no longer thought it as something unusual, my father's tardiness becoming just as routine as brushing my teeth or my daily piano practice.

"Where is he?" my mother asked herself aloud, pulling back one of the drapes to better see outside. It was already nighttime, and the sky was filled with a thousand twinkling lights appearing like fairy dust against a background of black velvet. "Ryoji should be home by now…"

Putting an orange crayon back in its proper place inside the box, I looked over at my beautiful mother and frowned. Okaa-sama looked so sad… She always wore that look on her face when otou-sama was late, and I hated seeing her like that. Okaa-sama wasn't as pretty when she wasn't wearing a smile.

"Why isn't otou-sama home yet, okaa-sama?" I asked, although I already knew the answer. "Where is he?"

Okaa-sama sighed, letting the drapes fall from her slender fingers before turning around to face me. In a feeble effort to hide her feelings, she gave me a small smile. Her amethyst eyes, however, told a different story. They were filled with a mixture of disappointment and worry.

"I don't know, Rei-chan," she answered, pulling the robe she wore over her silk nightgown closer around her body. "You know your father is a very busy man. He's probably still at the office, working on his campaign. I'm sure he'll be home soon, though. Don't worry."

"Oh."

I reached for another crayon and began coloring the next picture in my book, thinking about my father. Work, work, work - that's all he ever did anymore.

Otou-sama was a politician, one of the best in all of Japan. People often said he could one day become Prime Minister if he wanted; he was that good. My father was honest, and hard-working, and handsome, and everybody liked him. It was no wonder why he was so popular in the polls.

I was proud of him. I was proud to be Hino Ryoji's daughter.

Still, I wished otou-sama didn't have to work so much. It was a feeling I knew okaa-sama shared, although she never would admit it. My father's job left him precious little time to spend with his family. He left for the office in the morning after breakfast, worked until evening, and then came home, some of the time not even bothering to eat dinner before going to bed. It was a wonder we even got to see otou-sama at all with his schedule.

And it had gotten worse as of late. There were times when otou-sama didn't arrive home until I was already tucked in bed. The elections were coming up in a couple of months, so he was usually busy giving interviews on the late night news or participating in debates with the other candidates. That was probably the reason why he was so late tonight. Otou-sama must have had an interview he forgot to inform okaa-sama about this morning at the breakfast table. It wouldn't be the first time…

I would be glad when the elections were over. Maybe once the stress of running for re-election wore off, otou-sama would take a break. A vacation would be nice, not only for him, but for all of us. We hadn't been on a real vacation for the longest time.

I remembered the fun we had on our vacation last summer. We had rented a beach house on the shores of the Sea of Japan for two whole weeks, and it was one of the fondest memories of my short life. Smiling, I recalled how okaa-sama and I had cleverly snuck otou-sama's briefcase out of the car before we left the manor so he wouldn't be able to work even if he tried. Otou-sama hadn't been too happy about that. In fact, he was positively furious when he first found out about our little trick, but he soon got over it. Ironically, the man who didn't even want to go on the vacation in the first place ended up having the most fun of all.

I missed that otou-sama - the otou-sama who knew how to have fun.

Yawning, I placed the crayon I had been using back in the box and closed my coloring book, bored of coloring. Judging by the heaviness of my eyelids, it was probably nearing my bedtime anyway.

I rested my tired head on the coffee table after pushing my art supplies away and sighed. While my body longed for sleep, I didn't want to go to bed until otou-sama came home. Luckily, okaa-sama was too preoccupied with her own thoughts to notice how late it had gotten. If she had, I would have been sent up to bed ages ago.

She was still standing by the window when I looked back over, her forgotten book closed and resting on the window sill. Her arms were wrapped around her tiny waist, and she wore a small frown on her face as she occasionally glanced outside at the driveway, looking more anxious than usual.

Okaa-sama had been acting strange all day, now that I thought about it, ever since she came home from her doctor's appointment. She wasn't her normal, cheerful self, seeming distracted for some reason.

"Okaa-sama, are you feeling okay?" I asked, lifting my head back up from the coffee table.

My mother jumped a little, startled out of her trance by my voice, and turned around. "Rei-chan, why are you still up? It's past your bedtime."

Reminded of that fact, I stifled a yawn. "I wanted to wait up for otou-  
sama," I said from behind the hand covering my mouth. Even though my words came out sounding muffled, okaa-sama managed to understand most of what I said and smiled sadly.

"Oh, sweetie, your father might not come home for a couple of hours," she said, glancing over at the elegant grandfather clock standing in the corner of the room. The big hand was near the three and the little hand was sitting on the nine. "Little girls shouldn't be staying up so late. You need your rest. Now, go up to bed and get some sleep."

"But I'm not sleepy, okaa-sama…"

Another yawn betrayed my lie, causing my mother to chuckle as I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes. No matter what, I was determined to stay downstairs until my father came home.

Okaa-sama arched an eyebrow in my direction. "Not sleepy?" she teased, a little of the cheerfulness I knew so well coming back. "It certainly doesn't look that way."

I blushed and guiltily looked down at the coffee table. "Well, maybe a little…" I mumbled.

"Come, Rei-chan. Let's go upstairs and I'll tuck you in. You can see your father in the morning at breakfast."

Reluctantly, I stood from my kneeling position by the coffee table and put my art supplies away like a good little girl. I didn't want to go to bed, but it appeared I had no choice in the matter. Okaa-sama held out her hand after I finished cleaning, which I took, surprised by how bony and skeletal it felt, and she led me up the stairs to my room.

After okaa-sama helped me change into my favorite pair of pajamas, I crawled into bed and snuggled underneath my warm quilt. I had to admit it felt good to be in bed. It was becoming quite a struggle to keep my eyes open. I was disappointed I wouldn't be able to tell otou-sama goodnight, but okaa-sama was right. I was awfully sleepy…

Okaa-sama, taking a seat on the edge of the mattress, pulled the blanket up to my shoulders and pressed her lips to my forehead in a goodnight kiss. As she bent over me, though, I suddenly noticed how labored her breathing had become. It sounded as if she had just finished running a marathon.

Instinctively, I reached for her fragile, bird-like hand. It was only then I remembered what I asked her earlier downstairs. She never had given me an answer to my question.

"Okaa-sama?"

My mother gave my hand a small squeeze. "What is it, sweetie?" she asked breathlessly.

"Are you feeling okay?" I asked. "You're breathing kinda funny."

Okaa-sama shook her head. "It's nothing," she insisted, squeezing her eyes shut as if she was in pain. Her other hand was over her heart.

My eyes widened. "B-But…" I knew she was lying. I could see it in the way she refused to meet my eyes. Something was wrong with my mother, and it was beginning to scare me.

"It's nothing, Rei-chan," she insisted again, once she caught her breath. "It's only a little attack. I've been having them lately, but they're nothing to worry about. See, I'm fine."

Her words didn't comfort me at all. While her breathing seemed to be under control and her hand had moved from her chest to her lap, okaa-sama still looked rather pale. Her skin always had a flawless porcelain look to it, but now it appeared almost translucent. It reminded me of a ghost.

"Okaa-sama…" I sat back up in my bed and ran my finger down her hollow cheek, almost expecting my hand would pass right through. It didn't, of course, but her skin felt as thin as paper underneath my touch.

"I'm fine," okaa-sama repeated, reaching for my hand. She moved it to her lips to give my palm a kiss, then brought it down, refusing to let go. "Really. I'm just a little sick, that's all."

"Sick?" I felt a flutter of butterflies in my stomach at the word. Okaa-  
sama didn't elaborate on the subject, but there was no need. The way she said it revealed everything. Tears welled up in my eyes as I threw my arms around her. "What's wrong? Is that why you went to the doctor today? Are you going to be okay?"

Wiggling from my embrace, okaa-sama gently pushed me back down to my pillows. "Don't worry, Rei-chan," she whispered, brushing a strand of dark hair out of my watery eyes. "I'll be fine. Everything's going to be okay."

"Promise?"

Her purple eyes shifted guiltily away as she tucked me once again under the covers.

"Promise, sweetheart."

* * *

It wasn't until the next morning that I learned the seriousness of okaa-  
sama's condition. She and my father were discussing it when I came down to breakfast. I don't think they meant for me to have heard what they were talking about, since as soon as I walked into the dining room, the conversation died, lulling into the usual silence as otou-sama hid behind the "Government" section of the morning paper and okaa-sama poured me a glass of orange juice, but I had caught enough to get the general gist of things.

My mother had a terminal disease, which I later learned from the nun who taught my kindergarten class meant that she would soon join our Father in Heaven. I wasn't exactly sure what Sister Maria meant by that either, but I knew I didn't like the sound of it. If she went to Heaven and I had to stay with my father, then when would we ever see each other? Heaven was a long, long way from the manor. Not even airplanes could reach it.

I wished I could have asked otou-sama, who always had an answer for everything, about it, but I couldn't, not without revealing I knew their secret. Besides, he was so busy with his campaign, I rarely saw him. If okaa-sama and I thought he worked too hard before, then I didn't know how to describe him in the weeks after okaa-sama got sick. It was as if he didn't even live with us anymore. Maybe, if I was lucky, I might see him grabbing a cup of coffee and a piece of toast from the dining room before heading to the office in the morning, but that was only once or twice a week, and even then, just for a couple of seconds, barely enough to time to say "Ohayo". His absence was hard on both of us, especially okaa-sama, who just kept getting sadder and sadder the more otou-sama pushed us away in favor of his politics.

I didn't understand what he was doing at the time, but looking back, I think maybe otou-sama had the right idea. It was hard to watch okaa-sama suffer so much. In the beginning, it wasn't so bad, with okaa-sama only experiencing the occasional "attack" like the one I had witnessed the night she told me she was sick, but things progressively worsened as time passed by. By the time the elections rolled around, okaa-sama was practically bedridden, attached to a handful of scary machines, and I was being taken care of by a kind, but strict, older woman my father had hired to help out around the house.

It was a lonely time for me. With my father busy wrapping up the campaign season and my mother confined to bed, too weak to do much more than sleep and eat, I felt as if I had been abandoned. If only I had realized then that I had no idea what true loneliness was…

I would soon find out.

* * *

The morning of the elections, I witnessed an unusual event as I opened the door to my mother's makeshift downstairs bedroom. Normally, my father was long gone by the time I came for my morning visits with okaa-sama, but that day, I found him sitting on the edge of the couch we had converted to a bed, tenderly holding my mother's pale, thin hand to his heart. Okaa-sama was smiling, a rare sight since she had gotten sick, and though I couldn't hear what he was saying to her, I knew whatever it was had made her happy.

Not wanting to interrupt such a private moment between my parents, I silently closed the door after seeing them kiss and waited outside, thinking how wonderful it was to see her smiling again. Maybe that meant she was getting better and wouldn't be going to Heaven after all. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Otou-sama must have been giving her the good news, and that was why she had smiled!

Though I was bursting with excitement on the inside, I managed to keep a stoic face until otou-sama finally exited the room and headed toward the front door. He passed right by me at first, apparently not seeing me standing against the wall, but unable to ignore my curiosity for a second longer, I ran after him, tugging on the bottom of his sports coat to get his attention.

"Otou-sama, is okaa-sama getting better?"

Stopping, my father turned around and looked down at me in confusion. "What?" he asked.

"Okaa-sama, is she getting…better?" I repeated, my voice dying away on the last word as I realized I had been mistaken. There was no joy on my father's face, as I had expected. Only sorrow.

"No, sweetheart, she isn't," otou-sama answered after a long pause, kneeling down so we were almost eye-to-eye. "Your mother is still very sick."

"B-But I saw you… She was smiling… She never smiles anymore…"

"You were spying on us?" he inquired, though without any trace of anger. I nodded, and he sighed, taking me by the shoulders. "Rei-chan, do you understand what is happening?"

"With okaa-sama?"

"Yes, with your mother."

"Kind of," I answered, looking down at the cream colored carpet that covered the floor of the hall. "I heard you and okaa-sama talking about it that morning in the kitchen. She has a…a terminal disease, right?" I asked, fumbling a bit as I tried to remember the word I heard them use.

"Right," he said softly. "Do you know what a terminal disease is?"

I shook my head. "All I know is that Sister Maria says okaa-sama will be going to Heaven soon. Is that true, otou-sama?"

"I'm afraid so, Rei-chan."

"But I don't want her to go," I said, struggling to hold back the tears that were beginning to form in my eyes. "Why does she have to go to Heaven? Why can't she stay here with you and me? Doesn't she want to stay?"

"Of course she wants to stay, more than anything in the world."

"Then why is she going?" I asked.

For a long moment, my father was silent, as if he didn't know quite how to answer my question. It surprised me, because otou-sama always had an answer for everything. He was the smartest person I knew. Forcing myself to look back up at him, despite my emerging tears, I repeated the question, thinking maybe he hadn't heard me because I was speaking to the floor. "Otou-sama, why is okaa-sama leaving us?"

"Because sometimes we can't fight against God's will," he finally answered, his voice sounding strained. "Doctors can only do so much, and unfortunately, nobody knows the cure to okaa-sama's disease."

"But they could find it before she has to go, can't they?"

"It isn't likely. It often takes years to find a cure to a disease, and your mother doesn't have that long to wait. All the doctors can do now is make her last few days as comfortable as possible."

"Last few days?" My eyes widened. "Otou-sama, what do you mean? Is okaa-  
sama--"

"Rei-chan, I need to go," he announced, ignoring my questions as he stood and headed to the door to put on his shoes. "I'm already late for an interview with Channel 7. You know the elections are today, and this is the final chance I'll have to sway last-minute voters."

"But what about okaa-sama?" I asked, following him. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, sensing my father wasn't telling me all he knew about okaa-sama's condition. It was a gift with which I was both similarly blessed and cursed. "Why did you say 'last few days'?"

Barely pausing to look at me before slipping on his coat, otou-sama said, "It's nothing you need to worry about, Rei-chan. You just be a good little girl for your mother today and mind Kato-san's orders."

"But otou-sama…"

In a rare moment of affection, he ruffled my hair and smiled sadly. "Goodbye, sweetie," he said as he opened the door and stepped outside. "I'll see you later, okay? Wish me luck."

"Good luck, otou-sama."

Frowning from my spot in the doorway, I watched my father as he got in his car and left for the city, wondering what he was hiding from me. What did he mean by my mother's "last few days"? Did that mean it was almost time for her to leave us? But I didn't want her to go yet.

There was still so much I wanted to do before okaa-sama had to go to Heaven. I wanted us to go to the circus that was coming to town next month, the one she promised me months ago she would take me to before she got sick. I wanted her to see me in the play my class was putting on for the upcoming school arts festival. I wanted us as a family to spend another summer at the beach house we rented last year, for otou-sama to swim in the ocean while okaa-sama and I built sandcastles on the shore...

"Rei-chan, you need to either go outside or close that door," Mrs. Kato's voice ordered, breaking me from my thoughts. "It's rude to stand in the doorway like that, staring at people."

"Oh, gomen nasai, Kato-san."

Sighing, I came back inside and closed the door, remembering I had yet to tell okaa-sama good morning. I went back to her room, which was actually the library, and found her resting peacefully on the couch, wrapped up in a warm blanket. Gone were the machines that normally surrounded her, save for a single IV sticking out of her arm, and I was surprised by the deafening quiet of the room, accustomed to the gentle hums and beeps that had comprised the machines' symphony.

"Rei-chan, ohayo," okaa-sama greeted me weakly as I walked over to the couch, coming no closer than a couple feet away. Even though the machines were gone and I didn't have to worry about accidentally tripping over a cord or pushing a wrong button, I was scared, not used to seeing her that way after so many weeks.

"Ohayo, okaa-sama," I whispered, my hands clasped behind my back and my eyes focusing solely on my sock-covered feet. I couldn't bare to look at her anymore, suspecting what I did. "How are you feeling today?"

Every day I asked the same question, and every day she gave me the same answer.

"I'm feeling better, sweetheart," okaa-sama said, for once not managing to fool me with her well-intentioned fibs. "See, the machines are gone. It shouldn't be much longer before I'm back on my feet and we can play again. Won't that be wonderful?"

Lies. They were all lies. She had been lying to me since the day she had told me she was sick and promised me she would get better.

"Yes, it will, okaa-sama," I replied mechanically, thinking I might as well go along with her game if that was the way she wanted things.

Her thin, colorless lips pursing in a small frown, okaa-sama struggled to reach a sitting position, using a pillow to prop herself up. "Rei-chan, is something wrong?" she asked, breathless after what should have been only a mild exertion. "Why are you standing so far away? Don't you want to give me a hug? Come here, you don't have to worry about messing up one of the machines anymore. It's been so long since I've held you…"

I still refused to look her in the eyes, afraid she would see the tears that were threatening to fall, but reluctantly, I came forward and gave her a gentle hug, for the first time noticing how skinny she had become as I wrapped my arms around her and felt her ribcage through her flimsy nightgown. My mother had always been a slender person, but now she was practically skin and bones, nothing more than a skeleton of the beautiful woman she used to be. It made me want to cry even more, and before I could stop myself, a sob ripped through my body.

"Rei-chan, what's wrong?" okaa-sama asked again, refusing to let me go. "Why are you crying? Everything is going to be okay."

Shaking my head, I buried my face even deeper in her shoulder. "No, it's not, okaa-sama," I cried. "You aren't getting better, and you're never going to. Otou-sama told me."

"Otou-sama told you what?"

"He said you only had a few days left before you have to go to Heaven, and that there was nothing more the doctors could do."

"Oh." She didn't even try to deny it, simply pulling me closer to her in comfort and running her bony fingers through my hair. "I'm sorry, Rei-chan," she whispered. "I didn't want you to know. I thought it would be easier on you if you didn't."

"Then it's true?" I asked, managing to pull away from her embrace and swiping the sleeve of my dress across my watery eyes. "You're really leaving me and otou-sama?"

She nodded. "Yes, sweetheart, I am," okaa-sama admitted. "It's time for me to go. The doctors did their very best, but your father is right. There's nothing more they can do to save me. That's why I asked for the machines to be unplugged. I wanted to spend my final days in comfort, not connected to those horrible things, being kept alive by artificial means. Do you understand, Rei-  
chan?"

No, I didn't understand. Not at all.

I couldn't understand why the machines were gone when apparently they were the one thing that could keep her from going to Heaven. I thought otou-sama had said okaa-sama wanted to stay with us. If that were true, then why had she allowed them to be taken away? Maybe if she had stayed connected to the machines, she would have been able to stay long enough for the doctors to find a cure and she wouldn't ever have to leave. Sure, it would have been boring having to be confined to bed for years on end, unable to do any of the things she loved to do before she got sick, but wouldn't it had been worth it for the chance to stay with us forever?

But I didn't mention any of that aloud, sensing okaa-sama wanted me desperately to understand her reasoning, no matter how strange and nonsensical it seemed to me. Her pretty purple eyes, identical to my own, were silently begging me to say "yes", so finally I nodded, taking a seat on the edge of the couch.

"So, how long before you have to go?" I forced myself to ask, not particularly wanting to know but feeling that I should.

"It's hard to say," okaa-sama sighed. "The doctor who was here this morning said it could be anywhere from a few hours to a couple of days. It depends on how much longer my heart can hold out on its own."

"That's all?" It didn't seem like a very long time to me. That meant she could be gone before otou-sama even came home with the results of the election. "But what about otou-sama?" I asked, alarmed by the thought. "He's not even here to say good--"

"We said our goodbyes this morning," she revealed with a sad smile, touching her lips with two skinny fingers in what I assumed was in remembrance of the kiss I had seen them share.

"But don't you want him here with you?"

"Of course I do, but your father has never been good with this kind of thing," she said softly, placing her hands in her lap, her fingers fiddling with the simple gold band she wore on the left. "He offered to stay if I wanted, but I thought it was best if he left. It is election day, after all. It's important to him, and I don't want to be a burden."

"B-But…"

Again, I couldn't understand her reasoning, but I stopped my protest upon sensing her sadness, not wanting to deepen her pain. It was her sacrifice to make, and though privately I felt as if otou-sama ought to have been the one to have done so, not her, I realized then how much she truly cared for him in spite his lack of affection and workaholic nature. Even when nobody would have denied her any desire, her only wish was to make her passing as easy and as painless as possible for those she loved. Did she not have a selfish bone in her emaciated body?

"You really love otou-sama, don't you?" I asked, resting my head on her bosom, which heaved up and down as she breathed heavily though her mouth. A weak thumping sound resonated in my ear, her heartbeat more erratic compared to when she had been strong and healthy.

"I do," she answered. "I know you might not see it often, but your father does love us both very much. I've never doubted that."

"Even though he's barely home and always working?"

"It's his way of dealing with things, Rei-chan. He likes to feel in control, and politics is the one thing that has provided him with that since I've gotten sick. He might not be able to control my illness, but he can control his career. That's why I told him to continue with his campaign, even though it meant I never saw him. It wouldn't have been fair for me to take that away from him too."

"But wasn't it unfair to you, to go through this all by yourself?" I wondered aloud.

Sighing, okaa-sama wrapped her slender arms around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. "Oh, my sweet Rei-chan, when did you become so old?" she asked, causing me to furrow my brow in confusion.

"I'm not old, okaa-sama. I'm only five-years-old," I reminded her, holding up an outstretched hand to her face to demonstrate. "See? One, two, three, four, five."

Okaa-sama laughed, bringing down my hand and giving it a kiss. "I know, sweetie. They've been the happiest five years of my life. I just meant sometimes you say things that seem more mature than what I would expect a five-year-old to say."

"I do?"

"Yes, you do. Sometimes, I think you must have an old soul, reincarnated in the body of a little girl."

Cocking my head quizzically to the side at the unfamiliar word, I asked, "What does 're-in-carn-a-ted' mean?"

"It means 'born again,'" she explained. "Some people think that when a person dies, their soul is reborn in the body of another."

"Cool! Will you be re-carn…uh, reborn, again?"

"I don't know," she said, brushing a strand of dark hair out of her face. "It's not really a Christian belief. I stopped believing in such things when I married your father, but I suppose it could be possible." Okaa-sama had not been born Catholic. She was actually the daughter of a Shinto priest that I had only met on a few occasions, but she had converted to make my father happy when they married.

"Oh," I said, somewhat disappointed. I had rather liked the idea of reincarnation. Of course, I didn't realize that even if there was such a thing as reincarnation, the person wouldn't be exactly the same as they were in their previous life, but to my young mind, it seemed a better alternative than going to boring old Heaven, where everybody wore white dresses, even the men, and sang praises to God. I liked pretty white dresses and singing "Amazing Grace" as much as the next person, but wouldn't that get a little dull after awhile? "It would be cool if it was real, though," I commented, snuggling underneath her blanket.

"You think?"

I nodded, imagining who I might have been in a past life, if there was such a thing. "Yeah. Maybe I might have been a princess before, just like the ones in the fairy tales…"

"I'm sure you were, hime-chan," she said, laughing as she gave me another hug. "I'm sure you were."

* * *

As she predicted, okaa-sama left for Heaven later that afternoon. I wasn't with her at the time, told by Mrs. Kato to go take a nap in my room after spending most of the morning with okaa-sama playing card games, but I knew she was gone the moment I came back downstairs and saw the old woman coming out of the library, locking the door behind her.

"I'm sorry, Rei-chan," she had said, seeing me come down the stairs. "Your mother is in a better place now."

Strangely enough, I didn't cry when I heard the news like I had expected. I was sad, of course, but I don't think the finality of death had really hit me. My father seemed to have much the same reaction when he arrived home later that night, the news of his re-election win understandably lessened when he learned about okaa-sama. Without a word, he headed to his office and didn't come back out until the next morning, looking as if he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep as he announced he had finalized all the funeral arrangements.

The funeral -- the first one I had ever attended -- took place three days later. Everybody wore either black or white, the colors of mourning, and we had to sit through a long and boring Requiem Mass before heading to a nearby cemetery for the burial. During most of the ceremony, I stood beside Mrs. Kato, who needlessly held my hand as if she thought I was one of those unruly kids who had no sense of decorum, but my eyes mostly stayed on otou-sama, thinking I had never seen him so miserable in my entire life.

My father didn't cry, but his tears were hardly necessary. All a person had to do was look in his dark eyes to see the deep sadness they possessed. It was as if somebody had turned off the lights and nobody could turn them back on, not even when I handed him the small bouquet of pretty wild flowers I had picked after everybody else had left the cemetery, thinking they might cheer him up a little. Instead, all he said was a quiet "Arigatou" before taking my hand and leading us back to the car to go home.

Mrs. Kato remained in our service even after the funeral, moving into the manor soon afterwards to become a full-time housekeeper and nanny. Since my father was too busy with work to properly care for me, she had become my main caretaker, At first, I was resentful, because I thought otou-sama would take more of an interest in my upbringing now that okaa-sama was gone, but then I remembered what okaa-sama had told me the day she died, about how he used his work to deal with pain, and so I accepted it, thinking that once he finished grieving, otou-sama would remember he still had a daughter, one who loved him and needed him dearly.

However, the more time that passed, the more otou-sama lost himself in his work and the more distant we became. Our house, which had always been full of laughter and smiles when okaa-sama was alive and healthy, might as well have been a cemetery itself, the ghost of her memory haunting us who remained. Even as young as I was, I realized that otou-sama would never be able to truly recover from his grief as long as we stayed there, where the scent of okaa-sama's favorite perfume still seemed to linger in the air and every room remained a museum to the woman who once lived there because otou-sama couldn't bear the thought of putting her things away no matter how much pain it caused to see them still out as if she would soon be coming back from a long vacation.

That was why, almost six months later, when otou-sama announced over dinner he was selling the house, it didn't come as much as a surprise. In fact, I welcomed the idea of a change. A new house where otou-sama and I could have a fresh start as a family seemed like just the thing we needed to move on with our lives.

Only, otou-sama had different plans…

…and unfortunately, those plans didn't involve me.

* * *

"I don't wanna move to a shrine and live with ojii-sama! I wanna stay with you, otou-sama!" I shouted, stomping my foot on the hardwood floor when my father came up to my nearly empty bedroom the following weekend to tell me the moving van had arrived and it was time to go.

I knew I was acting like a brat, but under the circumstances, I felt it was justified. I still couldn't believe otou-sama had decided I would be better off living with my grandfather, okaa-sama's father, instead of with him in his fancy new apartment in downtown Tokyo. He claimed it was because he was too busy with his work to be a full-time single parent, but to me, it felt like complete and total abandonment.

I barely even knew my grandfather. I had only met him a handful of times beforehand, and while he'd seemed like a nice enough man, that didn't mean I wanted to live with almost a complete stranger, especially in an old Shinto shrine of all places. I bet ojii-sama didn't even own a TV; it didn't seem like something a priest would have in his possession. Although I had never been much of a television watcher myself, it was the principle of the matter.

"Rei-chan, I'm tired of this," otou-sama said from his spot in the doorway, pushing up his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. He did look exhausted, as if he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, but any pity I might have felt for him before had disappeared the night he told me his plans. "Get your bag and come downstairs. I told your grandfather we would arrive at Hikawa around noon."

"No!"

"Rei, now!"

Stubbornly, I refused to move, arms crossed over my chest as I stood in the middle of the room filled with boxes and bare furniture, and silently dared him to make me. When otou-sama realized I had no intention of leaving under my own power, he came into the room, grabbed my "Hello Kitty" backpack from off the stripped-down bed, which he slung over his shoulder, then picked me up himself.

"Why must you make this so difficult?" he sighed as he carried me downstairs and outside to the car. "You act like I'm sending you to Siberia."

As far as I was concerned, he might as well have been. Otou-sama was taking me away from everything and everyone I had ever known and leaving me in a completely different world. Getting into the backseat of his car, I crushed my backpack against my chest and sadly looked out the window as we pulled away from the manor, waving goodbye to the home where I had grown up until the house was no longer in sight.

The ride to Hikawa, the Shinto shrine where my grandfather lived, was long and quiet. I spent most of the time alternating between glaring at the back of my father's head and sulking, occasionally sticking my tongue out when I caught otou-sama glancing back at me through the rearview mirror. I expected him to yell at me, but all he did was shake his head and sigh heavily in response.

When we finally arrived, otou-sama got out of the car and went to open my door, obviously expecting it would be another battle to get me out. However, that time I actually obeyed the first time he asked me to, realizing that there was no point in fighting it any longer. As I pulled the backpack's straps over my shoulders, I looked up the long flight of stairs leading up to the shrine to see an old man dressed in robes of white and pale blue waiting for us at the top and a couple of crows flying over his head.

The priest, who I recognized as my grandfather from the brief conversation he and my father had at okaa-sama's funeral, started down the stairs when he saw us, a smile that was somehow both happy and sad on his face. My father bowed his head in respect, and mirroring him, I did as well, not looking back up until ojii-sama spoke.

"Welcome to Hikawa, Rei-chan," he greeted, bowing. "I've been looking forward to your arrival."

I felt a light touch on my shoulder, my father silently urging me to be polite, and I bowed again, remembering the one thing otou-sama had told me to do on our drive to the shrine. "Konnichiwa, ojii-sama," I said. "Thank you in advance for taking care of me."

"Oh, such a polite little girl!" he commented. "You needn't be so formal with me, though. 'Ojii-sama' makes me feel like an old man."

"Hai…ojii-san."

Ojii-sama -- no, ojii-san, I reminded myself -- grinned at my usage of the less formal honorific, but the word felt a little strange on my tongue. For most of my life, my parents -- otou-sama especially -- had raised me to be unfailingly polite, so it would take me a while to get used to my grandfather's more casual attitude toward such things. Actually, there were a lot of new things I would have to grow accustomed to in my new life, as I soon learned when, during the lull in the conversation that followed, ojii-san offered to take me and otou -sama on a tour of Hikawa's living quarters.

I had expected Hikawa to be an old-fashioned, traditional Japanese home, and in some respects, I was correct in that assumption. The shrine had been modernized to include electricity, which rather surprised me, but I got the distinct feeling as we went through the rooms that ojii-san didn't care to use it very much. Certainly there were no television sets or other such modern electronic luxuries in sight, although I did happen to see a telephone in the kitchen, along with a microwave and refrigerator. In the room were I was to sleep -- supposedly my mother's when she was a little girl -- I also found a small AM/  
FM radio sitting on top of a short bookshelf, but it looked brand new, more than likely a gift from ojii-san to make up for the lack of anything more fancy.

The bath was unlike anything I had ever seen before, definitely a throwback to a more rustic time. Ojii-san explained that the bath water was heated by fire. I thought that was kind of cool, actually, but it seemed like such a waste compared to the more modern baths I was accustomed to which provided hot water instantly.

My favorite room in my new home, though, was a place ojii-san called his meditation chamber. Decorated with ancient scrolls and smelling faintly of something he called incense, the room's centerpiece was a blazing fire, which ojii-san started to demonstrate. I had always possessed a small fascination with fire, so the flame's dancing reds, yellows, and oranges entranced me, pulling me under its spell until I felt otou-sama gently guide me out of the room to continue on with the tour. I didn't want to leave, but I didn't really have much of a choice.

After ojii-san finished showing us the house, we headed back outside where he pointed out the other areas of the shrine. I didn't pay much attention, though, my interest caught by the two crows that I had seen flying above ojii-  
san's head when we first arrived. When we had exited the living quarters, I had found them perched on a nearby tree branch, almost as if they had been waiting for us to return, and holding out my arm, they flocked to me like servants to their mistress.

"Rei-chan, what are you doing?" my father said, his eyes widening slightly behind his glasses when he saw what I was doing. "Those birds might be dangerous! Get away from them."

Ojii-san was less concerned, chuckling as he bent down to gather some corn from the ground. "They're harmless, Ryoji-san," he assured my father, taking my free hand and placing the corn in my open palm for me to feed to them. "These two have been here for a couple of years. They're about as domesticated as two crows can get. They won't hurt Rei-chan."

Otou-sama didn't look quite convinced, but he dropped the subject when he saw that, at least for the moment, the crows were being friendly.

"What are their names?" I asked ojii-san, smiling for the first time since we arrived as I gently petted one of their heads. There had been no crows back at the manor, but Hikawa seemed like it was practically a bird zoo. I counted about ten or twenty of them in all, though only the two bothered with us humans.

"Names? I never really gave them any," he admitted, rubbing his chin. "They live here, but they don't really belong to me. I didn't feel it right to name them as if they were pets. However, perhaps you would like to do the honors since they seem to like you so much?"

"Really? I can name them?" Raising my arm slowly, as not to startle them, I looked the two birds straight in their beady black eyes, wondering what I should call them. My first instincts were to name them "Blackie" and "Inkie", but something inside me told me that those weren't their true names. They already had names -- "Deimos and Phobos."

"'Fear' and 'panic'?" otou-sama said with a frown, referring to the meanings behind the names I had chosen -- or more correctly, the names they told me to use. "Rei-chan, are you sure you want to call them such negative names?"

Ignoring him, as I had suddenly remembered that I was still mad at him, I laughed as one of the crows -- Phobos -- started flapping her wings around and cawing while Deimos took back to the air. "Ojii-san, look, they like their names!" I exclaimed happily.

"Of course they do. You gave them to them, and what elegant names they are, too," he commented, smiling as he watched. "Did you know Phobos and Deimos are also the names of the two moons of the planet Mars?"

"Really?"

I hadn't known that, but somehow, it seemed appropriate. I had no idea why.

By that time, I sensed otou-sama was ready to go, looking down at the gold Rolex watch he wore on his wrist. With some reluctance, I shooed the crows away and went to stand stoically beside ojii-san, who was assuring my father he would take good care of me in his absence. Otou-sama thanked him, then, much to my surprise, kneeled down in front of me, taking my hands in his own.

"Rei-chan, look at me," he lightly ordered when I started to look down, not wanting him to see the sudden pain I was sure that showed on my face. "I know you're angry with me for leaving you here, but humor me for a minute, okay?"

Slowly, I raised my head back up, though I could not bring myself to look my father fully in the eye, looking over his shoulder at Phobos and Deimos instead. It was good enough for him, however, and hesitantly, otou-sama began to speak, his normally fluid and precise manner of speech failing him for one of the few times I remembered in my young life.

"Rei-chan, I-I… There's something I want to say to you, but I'm not sure how to say it. I've never been very good at this type of thing. If your mother was still here, she would probably say… Well, it's not important, but I just wanted to tell you…"

I furrowed my brow in confusion, not used to hearing my father ramble in such an incoherent fashion. "Otou-sama?" I asked, breaking my vow not to speak to him.

"Just…behave for your grandfather, okay?" he finally said, his gaze abruptly turning toward the old man just as I found the courage to meet it. "He's being very generous in allowing you to stay here, so I want you to help him around the shrine and don't cause him a lot of trouble. I'm sure after a couple of days, you'll grow to love Hikawa as much as your mother did when she was a little girl."

"Oh." I looked back down and nodded, somewhat disappointed. For a moment, I thought he wanted to say something else, but I guess I was wrong. "Hai, otou-  
sama. I'll do my best."

"That's a good girl." Standing back up, he placed his hand briefly on my head, then acknowledged ojii-san with a slight nod. "I leave her in your hands."

"I'll take good care of her, Ryoji-san," ojii-san promised. "For Risa's sake."

"Thank you."

With that, my father left. He didn't even say a proper goodbye, simply turning around and heading toward the torii leading to the stairs that would take him back down to his car and out of my life. As I watched his retreating figure, I couldn't help but hold on to the small hope otou-sama would turn back around and announce that he had changed his mind about leaving me at Hikawa, but he never did, and once he disappeared from sight, everything felt undeniably…real.

Okaa-sama was gone.

Otou-sama was gone.

And except for a nice old man I barely knew and a pair of strange crows, I was all alone.

I felt ojii-san come up behind me and rest his wrinkled hands on my shaking shoulders, but not wanting to be comforted, I shrugged them away and started running back to the living quarters.

I meant to go to my bedroom, but due to the fact that I was unfamiliar with the layout of the house, I slid open the wrong door by mistake and ended up in the meditation chamber instead. The sacred fire was still burning from before, and once again, I felt a strong, almost magnetic, pull toward the flickering flames, luring me further inside.

I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do, having never seen anybody meditate before, so I just sat down cross-legged in front of the fire, far enough back that I didn't burn myself but still close enough that I could feel the intense heat it gave off. It felt so warm and comforting, as if I was somehow back in okaa-sama's arms, and I was surprised when I felt something liquid running down my cheek to my mouth.

At first, I thought it was sweat, but I realized it couldn't be because it had come from my eye. Besides, when I used my tongue to lick it from my lips, it tasted salty…

…like a teardrop.

I was crying, but I didn't care. For six months, I had tried to be strong for otou-sama's sake, to be the big girl I thought he needed me to be, but what did it matter now? Otou-sama had left me, just like okaa-sama had, and our family was nothing more than ashes now, burnt beyond recognition.

Pulling my knees up to my chest, I began sobbing into the fabric of my dress. I didn't even notice when ojii-san entered the room and kneeled down beside me until I felt him pull me toward him. I put up a weak fight, trying to push him away, but in the end, I finally surrendered, turning around and burying my tear-streaked face in his robes.

"Otou-sama…okaa-sama…come back…" I whimpered as ojii-san rubbed his hand in a comforting circle on my back. "I want them to come back, ojii-san. Why did they have to leave me?"

"Oh, Rei-chan…" My grandfather sighed into my hair, his embrace growing tighter. "I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to experience such pain at such a tender age. I wish there was something I could do…"

"I want my mother," I said stubbornly, knowing full well it wasn't possible. "Bring her back. If okaa-sama comes back, we can be a family again."

"You know I can't do that, but there is one thing I can do, if you will let me."

Pulling away, I looked up at ojii-san and swiped the sleeve of my dress over my eyes. "What's that?" I asked, confused.

"You can let me love you," he said with a small smile, his thumb wiping away a bit of ash that had somehow appeared on my cheek. "I know I'm not your mother or your father, and nobody could ever replace them in your heart, but I can be your family, Rei-chan. You don't have to feel as if you're alone in the world, because I'm here. We might be strangers to one another right now, but if you'd be willing, I'd really like to change that."

"Really?"

"Really."

Hesitantly, I smiled. I kind of liked the sound of that. It wasn't the same as having my mother or father back, but I didn't feel quite so alone anymore. Maybe Hikawa wouldn't be so bad after all…

"Okay," I said, wiping away the last of my tears with the handkerchief ojji-san handed me. "I guess we can try."

"Good."

Standing, ojii-san held out his hand and helped me get back up. We then headed back outside, where Phobos and Deimos were again waiting for me, and I giggled as the two birds began flying around in loops, almost as if they were putting on a show just for me.

Beside me, I felt ojii-san lightly squeeze my hand.

And even though we were all still strangers to each other, in that moment, my heart felt at peace. It was as if the flames had purified me, and now I was being reborn into a new family.

I was not alone anymore.

DISCLAIMER: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: The names Ryoji and Risa were taken from Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (the live-action show), but this was primarily a manga-based story.


End file.
